SENATE RULES XXIV,PARAGRAPHS 1-9:CONFIRMATION OFA PRESIDENTIALNOMINEE.
BY ITAMAR MOSES
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1. Whenever the name of a nominee shall be submitted, its introduction shall, if objected to, be postponed for one day or, if there are no objections, for two days.
2. (a) When the name of a nominee has been introduced, the Presiding Officer, having taken the chair, and a quorum being present, shall immediately bring the chair back from wherever he has taken it, unless by motion the return of the chair shall be waived, the question being, "Shall the Presiding Officers bring back the chair he took?" which question shall be deemed privileged and proceeded with until disposed of, i.e. the question, not the chair, excepting as provided for in subparagraph (b).
(b) The chair itself can also be disposed of, too, sure, in the event that the Presiding Officer's doctor said this might be better for his back.
3. (a) The 'chair question' having been satisfactorily resolved, the Senate shall proceed immediately to an up or down vote on the nominee, excepting as provided for in subparagraph (b).
(b) Just kidding, the Senate will not proceed immediately to a vote. First, the President must submit the recommended forms, 'recommended' in this case meaning whatever forms each Senator happens to request. The recommended (i.e. required) forms may include but are totally totally not limited to:
• Certificate of Appointment of Nominee
• Certificate of Authenticity of Certificate of Appointment of Nominee
• Certificate of Authenticity for At Least Two Items of Sports Memorabilia (e.g. Significant Home Run Ball and Lock of Athlete's Hair)
• Certificate of Deposit of Monies into Coffers of Requesting Senator's Home State
• Certificate of Ownership of a 1991 Mazda Protégé
• Photo of the President Shaking Hands with a Firefighter
The President may, if he so chooses, divide his staff into two teams to complete the scavenger hunt. The winning team shall receive a pizza party.
(c) The required recommended forms having been duly submitted, their introduction shall immediately, and without delay, be postponed indefinitely until such time as everyone sort of has the sense that it's been long enough. Whatever. It's not a science. You sort of know it when you feel it.
4. Vacay! Everyone takes six weeks off.
5. Okay. So. Each member of the Senate having used the forms as they see fit, for instance as kindling, or to write reminders on the back of to themselves of stuff they might otherwise have forgotten to do, the Senate shall now at long last proceed, immediately, to an up or down vote on the, haha, no, but really, they are nowhere near voting at this point, just relax, okay? So, no, seriously guys, next this happens:
6. (a) The Nominee having been brought before the Senate for questioning, and having answered three riddles of increasingly fiendish complexity, and thus not having been devoured by the Manticore, shall immediately, and without any delay whatsoever, begin counting to fifty million billion trillion. During which counting, the Presiding Officer shall announce, "And if you mess up, guess what, you get devoured by the Manticore."
(b) In absence of a Manticore (like, say, if they've been hunted to extinction, because someday it will be a long time from now and we, the Founding Fathers who are writing these Rules and Regulations, have a lot of foresight, and let's face it anything can happen) the Presiding Officer may simply smite the Nominee with his cutlass blade. If people aren't even using cutlasses anymore, well, then, we're at a loss. Next you'll be telling me that one of the Presidents coming up a long time from now will be Ronald Reagan. The actor.
7. Roll the dice. If you roll a six, return to step 2. If you roll anything other than a six, return to step 1.
8. Seriously, what are things like in the future? Like, if you're not using cutlasses anymore, then how the heck do people kill each other? Probably with some kind of laboratorium scientifico freeze ray, right? And I bet you don't even walk from place to place anymore but rather fly around on the backs of your slaves. Actually, slightly more than half of us are pretty sure that slavery is wrong, so we're assuming that we eventually found the courage to abolish it, probably with little or no fuss, but in case we pussed out and it's still around, I guess you could make good arguments on both sides. Well, that's not true, but who knows? Like we said before anything is possible. We still have freaking Manticores back here
9. Thusly, with all of the above rules having been correctly followed and all requirements having been met, the Senate shall, at that very instant, pausing neither for breath nor something alliterative with 'breath' that we'll add in later when we think of it... bone, maybe? No, that doesn't make sense. But anyhow, right away, and for real this time, the Senate shall vote on the Nominee. And they shall vote 'No.' Better luck next time, Mr. President.