Food Reviews* From McSweeney's


Submitted by Betsy Finesilver

Food-on-a-stick is a good idea. As a kid, I loved food that was served on sticks, like corn dogs and Popsicles. As an adult, I see more advantages than just the excitement of holding a stick stuck into something edible. Food-on-a-stick has the benefit of utility. For example, I recently visited the Illinois State Fair, where one can participate in all sorts of amazing rural adventures, such as milking a cow. However, these adventures make your hands dirty. Thankfully, the majority of food at the Illinois State Fair is available on a stick, and therefore you do not even need to worry about washing your hands before eating.

At the Illinois State Fair, I received two free eggs-on-sticks when I purchased a salad. This was by far the food-on-a-stick I was most interested in trying. Had they offered me a free hard-boiled egg sans stick, I probably would have said, "Eh, no thanks." But hard-boiled-egg-on-a-stick sounded so intriguing I couldn't say no. Thankfully, I wasn't disappointed. Eating the egg-on-a-stick was very pleasant. In fact, in some ways, the egg-on-a-stick was superior to an egg-not-on-a-stick. Namely, the ability to rotate the egg via the stick enabled me to salt the outside of the egg evenly without resorting to rolling the egg in salt I'd sprinkled on a plate.

In the end, the friend I shared my eggs-on-sticks with reviewed this food in a very accurate way. "You know," he said, "egg-on-a-stick doesn't really taste any different than egg-not-on-a-stick." Technically, he's right. Whether a hard-boiled egg is on a stick or not, the white part will be rubbery and slimy, while the mustard-colored yoke will be crumbly. Yet the refreshing addition of the stick made eating the egg a much more exciting experience.

What will be next? Chicken-on-a-stick? I can only hope so. Or maybe chicken-on-a-stick came first.
White Chocolate Reese's Peanut Butter Cups

Submitted by Alycia Yerves

They have them in white now.
Update II:
Snickers Duo

Submitted by Chris Hicks

I was so excited when they released these here in the U.K. Finally, I thought, a Snickers that's big enough to share but easy to divide. No more tendrils of snarled caramel. No more lost peanuts. I will peel the wrapper in the middle, revealing two neat halves, and that will be the end of the division. Any friend would gladly accept such an offer.

But I was wrong. It seems that, at 4 a.m., in a petrol-station forecourt, the potential friends I'm shouting at are not put off by the unhygienic implications of a hand-broken king-size Snickers: they're put off by my desperation. And my sobbing.

So, Mars, fuck you. I felt better casually tearing off a hunk of a kingdom than offering half of an unwanted meal for two.
Update III: (I can't stop!)
Croatian Crackers With Pâté (Podravka)

Submitted by Zainah Usman

If cotton were spun into a biscuit, and that biscuit began to ooze, and the ooze smelled like a desk drawer, then you'd have Podravka, the Croatian cracker with liver pâté. Thanks, Croatia!

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