Why Your Kids Suck At Soccer

Very funny stuff from McSweeney's:

WHAT PARENTS
MUST ASSUME I'M
SAYING TO MY YOUTH
SOCCER TEAM.
BY BEN JOSEPH

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Lucky break, Tigers—I talked to the ref and, for the next five minutes, we get a point every time we blow all the seeds off a dandelion in a single try. Go, Jenny, go!

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James, I don't care if your father played soccer at Duke. It's my job to make sure you're a huge disappointment to him. Now pretend you're a magic airplane or else.

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Nelson, watch out! The ball is now a horrible, child-eating monster and the only way to defeat it is by running away and crying.

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Ralph! Hear me raise my voice slightly? Your parents need to come over and explain my shortcomings as a coach and a person.

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Timmy! Nice aggression. I support your decision to give that kid a bloody nose, and you should resolve conflicts similarly at school and at home.

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Nice half, guys! Remember, a true soccer player saves his energy for the sprint to the sideline—especially since I only have enough juice boxes for half of you.

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Now, Christian, we're all about to make assumptions about your future sexuality, so make sure to run that way we practiced.

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Tigers! I'm sure you'd never notice on your own, so I'll point out the apple-juice stain on Tim's crotch that looks suspiciously like urine. Stop what you're doing right now and laugh till he cries.

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Nelson, don't panic, but that monster's back. Put your hands in your pants and pretend not to see it and you may survive.

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Good game, guys. Remember: It doesn't matter whether you win or lose. What matters is that you all played worse than the Joneses' kid.